Hard

HURPJAWUZC.jpgThis has been a hard month.

My grandmother, aged 101, passed away a few days ago.  Though she’d been suffering from dementia for the last 10 years at least and no longer knew me, though all that time I’ve been grieving her and the close bond that we had, this last and final goodbye came rather unexpectedly and I find that I’m just not ready to put her eulogy to words yet.

This has also been a hard move.

I know moving is never easy, not for anyone, but this move was really especially difficult for me.  I don’t know if it was because Jasper was working so much overtime, leaving me with a lot of the unpacking/cleaning/organizing duties; if it was because this is just a temporary move and I’m unconsciously not letting myself feel settled; or if it was purely because of the time of year, which always makes me feel a little down anyway.  In any case, I’ve been depressed and overwhelmed and it took Jasper being home for a week to break the spell and for us to finally get things done.  This house, albeit temporary, finally feels a little like home.

One of the most disconcerting things about this move though, and one that has not yet been resolved, has been that while we did this to get our family out to the farm and closer to our food and the earth and all that, in this interim it feels as if we’re more removed from that way of life.  I have no garden here.  The chickens are running wild and ragged.  I’ve hardly given spring or the farm a thought, beyond a halfhearted and hurried trip out there to cover the planted garlic with straw.  We’ve been eating terrible, processed things pretty regularly and I’ve fallen back to drinking a Diet Coke almost every day (after giving it up cold turkey!).  Ugh, it has to stop.

My goal (and the true point of this post, I guess) is to recommit myself to this blog, to writing and documenting this journey, to thinking about the farm and the coming growing season (not so far away, really).  To making and eating good food.  To remembering that this life is hard as often as it is easy.  But good, still; mostly good.

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2 thoughts on “Hard

  1. arlingwoman says:

    Glad you wrote. I was thinking about you last evening. I’m sorry about your grandmother. It’s hard to lose someone twice. And no matter how much you already grieved, it wasn’t for the whole loss. With loss and the move, things no doubt had to slip a little. You’ll get back on track.

    Like

  2. rabbitpatchdiary.com says:

    I am so sorry about your grandmother-My grandmother died a few years back at 93. I had never spent a day of life without her-and though I was older, it really hit hard. This is where you are and I so understand, Take heart, my friend. Write and plant-very healing.

    Like

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